How to learn to manage emotions that have long been suppressed. Underestimation of the importance of emotion, attempt to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions

It is not easy to overcome the barriers of mutual understanding that arise in various situations of communication. To do this, you need to be well versed in the nuances of human psychology, including your own. It is much easier to do something else - not to create these barriers yourself. In order not to be the main obstacle to understanding with others, a person needs to know the psychological rules of communication, and above all, learn to manage their emotions, which most often become a source of interpersonal conflicts.

Our attitude to emotions is very similar to our attitude to old age, which, according to the witty remark of Cicero, everyone wants to achieve, and when they reach it, they blame it. The mind constantly rebels against the unlimited power of emotions in human relationships. But his protest can most often be heard “after a fight”, when it becomes extremely clear that fear, anger or excessive joy were not the best advisers in communication. “There was no need to get excited,” prompts the mind, which received the fair name “backward”, “first you had to weigh everything, and then already reveal your attitude towards the interlocutor.” It remains only to agree with the wise arbitrator, in order to act no less recklessly next time, reacting to others with all the emotionality inherent in us.

It would be easiest to recognize emotions as a harmful legacy of the past, inherited from the “smaller brothers”, who, due to their evolutionary immaturity, could not use the mind to best adapt to the environment and were forced to be content with such primitive adaptation mechanisms as fear, which forced them to run away from danger; a fury that without hesitation mobilized the musculature to fight for survival; pleasure, in the pursuit of which they did not know fatigue and indulgence. This point of view was held by the well-known Swiss psychologist E. Claparede, who with increased emotionality rejected the right of emotions to participate in the regulation of human activity: “The uselessness or even harmfulness of emotions is known to everyone. Imagine, for example, a person who has to cross the street; if he is afraid of cars, he will lose his cool and run.

Sadness, joy, anger, weakening attention and common sense, often force us to commit undesirable actions. In short, the individual, once in the power of emotion, "loses his head." Of course, a cold-blooded person crossing the street has all the advantages over an emotionally excited one. And if our whole life consisted of a continuous intersection of tense highways, then emotions would hardly have found a worthy place in it. However, life, fortunately, is arranged in such a way that crossing the streets in it is most often not a goal, but a means to achieve more interesting goals that could not exist without emotions. One of these goals is human understanding. It is no coincidence that many science fiction writers associate the worst prospect for the development of the human race with the loss of a wealth of emotional experiences, with communication built according to strictly verified logical schemes. The gloomy specter of the future world, in which rational automata triumph, or rather, dominate (since triumph is a state not devoid of emotionality), worries not only writers, but also many scientists who study the influence of scientific and technological progress on the development of society and the individual.

Modern culture actively invades the emotional world of a person. At the same time, two, at first glance, opposite, but essentially interconnected processes are observed - an increase in emotional excitability and the spread of apathy. These processes have been discovered recently in connection with the massive penetration of computers into all spheres of life. For example, according to Japanese psychologists, fifty out of a hundred children who are fond of computer games; suffer from emotional disorders. For some, this manifests itself in increased aggressiveness, while for others it manifests itself in deep apathy, the loss of the ability to emotionally respond to real events. Such phenomena, when a person's emotional states begin to approach the poles, when control over emotions is lost and their moderate manifestations are increasingly replaced by extremes, is evidence of a clear ill-being in the emotional sphere. As a result, tension in human relationships increases. According to sociologists, three-quarters of families are subject to constant conflicts that arise for various reasons, but manifest themselves, as a rule, in one - in uncontrolled emotional outbursts, which most of the participants later regret.

Emotional outbursts are not always detrimental to relationships. Sometimes, as we noted, they also bring some benefit, if they do not drag on for a long time and are not accompanied by mutual, and especially public, insults. But the relationship will never benefit from emotional coldness, which in the social role and business communication unpleasant, as a demonstration of an indifferent attitude to what is happening, and in intimate-personal communication it is simply unacceptable, since it destroys the very possibility of mutual understanding between close people. The polarization of emotional manifestations, characteristic of modern civilization, stimulates active search rational methods of regulating emotions, the release of which out of control threatens both the internal psychological stability of a person and his stability public relations. It cannot be said that the problem of managing emotions is characteristic only for modern society. The ability to resist passions and not succumb to immediate impulses that are not consistent with the requirements of reason has been considered the most important characteristic of wisdom in all ages. Many thinkers of the past elevated it to the rank of the highest virtue. For example, Marcus Aurelius considered non-passion, which manifests itself in a person's experience of exclusively reasonable emotions, as an ideal state of mind.

And although some philosophers, like the Stoic Marcus Aurelius, called for the subordination of emotions to reason, while others advised not to enter into a hopeless struggle with natural impulses and submit to their arbitrariness, not a single thinker of the past was indifferent to this problem. And if it were possible to hold a referendum among them on the issue of the relationship between the rational and the emotional in people's lives, then, in our opinion, the majority of votes would accept the opinion expressed by the great Renaissance humanist Erasmus of Rotterdam, who argued that “there is one and only way to happiness: the main thing is to know oneself; then do everything not depending on the passions, but according to the decision of the mind.

It is difficult to judge how true such a statement is. Since emotions arise primarily as reactions to real life events that are far from the ideal of a reasonable world order, the call for their coordination with reason rarely finds fertile ground. Modern psychologists, relying on many years of experience in the scientific study of human emotions, as a rule, recognize the need for their rational regulation. The Polish scientist J. Reikovsky emphasizes: “In an effort to control the world around us more and more effectively, a person does not want to put up with the fact that something can exist in him that nullifies the efforts made, interferes with the implementation of his intentions. And when emotions take over, very often. everything happens that way.” As you can see, according to Reikovsky, emotions should not take precedence over reason. But let's see how he assesses this situation from the point of view of the ability of the mind to change the state of affairs: “Up until now, people have only been able to state the discrepancy between the “voice of the heart and the voice of reason,” but they could neither understand nor eliminate it.” Behind this authoritative judgment are the results of numerous studies, psychological observations and experiments that reveal the contradictory nature of the relationship between "unreasonable" emotions and "unemotional" mind. We just have to agree with J. Reikovsky that we have not yet learned how to intelligently manage our emotions. Yes, and how to manage when there are a lot of emotions, and the mind, in best case, one. Not possessing the logic inherent in the mind in solving problem situations, emotions take on others - a kind of worldly resourcefulness that allows problem situation turn it into a hassle. Psychologists have established that emotions disorganize the activity in connection with which they arose. For example, the fear that arose with the need to overcome a dangerous section of the path disrupts or even paralyzes the movement towards the goal, and stormy joy over success in creative activity reduces creativity. This shows the unreasonableness of emotions. And it is unlikely that they would have survived in the rivalry with the mind if they had not learned to win by "cunning". Violating the original form of activity, emotions greatly facilitate the transition to a new one, which allows you to solve the problem without hesitation and doubt, which turned out to be a “tough nut” for the mind. So, fear stops before an elusive goal, but gives strength and energy to escape from the dangers lurking on the way to it; anger allows you to sweep away barriers that cannot be intelligently circumvented; joy makes it possible to be satisfied with what is already there, keeping from the endless race for everything that is not yet.

Emotions are an evolutionarily earlier mechanism for regulating behavior than the mind. Therefore, they choose simpler ways to solve life situations. To those who follow their "advice", emotions add energy, since they are directly related to physiological processes, in contrast to the mind, to which not all body systems obey. Under the strong influence of emotions in the body, such a mobilization of forces occurs that the mind cannot be called up either by orders, or requests, or prodding.

The need to rationally manage one's emotions arises in a person by no means because he is not satisfied with the very fact of the appearance of emotional states. Both stormy, uncontrollable experiences and indifference and lack of emotional involvement equally impede normal activity and communication. It is unpleasant to communicate with someone who is “terrible in anger” or “violent in joy”, and with someone whose dead look indicates complete indifference to what is happening. Intuitively, people are well aware of the "golden mean", which provides the most favorable atmosphere in various communication situations. All our worldly wisdom is directed against emotional extremes. If grief - “don’t be too hard on yourself”, if joy - “don’t be too happy so that you don’t cry later”, if disgust - “don’t be too fastidious”, if apathy - “shake it up!”

We generously share such recommendations with each other, because we are well aware that uncontrolled emotions can damage both the person himself and his relationships with others. Alas, wise advice rarely resonates. People are much more likely to infect each other with out-of-control emotions than they are to achieve the beneficial effects of their recommendations for their intelligent management.

It is difficult to expect that a person will listen to someone else's voice of reason when his own is powerless. Yes, and these voices say the same thing: “You need to control yourself”, “we should not succumb to weakness”, etc. Suppressing emotions “by order”, we most often achieve the opposite effect - excitement intensifies, and weakness becomes unbearable. Unable to cope with experiences, a person tries to suppress at least the external manifestations of emotions. However, external well-being with internal discord is too expensive: raging passions fall on your own body, inflicting blows on it, from which it cannot recover for a long time. And if a person gets used to keeping calm in the presence of other people at any cost, he runs the risk of getting seriously ill.

The American psychologist R. Holt proved that the inability to express anger leads to a subsequent deterioration in well-being and health. Constant containment of manifestations of anger (in facial expressions, gestures, words) can contribute to the development of diseases such as hypertension, stomach ulcers, migraines, etc. Therefore, Holt suggests expressing anger, but doing it constructively, which, in his opinion, is possible if a person overcome by anger wants to “establish, restore or maintain positive relationships with others. He acts and speaks in such a way as to directly and sincerely express his feelings, maintaining sufficient control over their intensity, which is no more than necessary to convince others of the truth of his experiences.

But how to maintain control over the intensity of feelings, if the first thing that is lost in anger is the ability to control one's state? Therefore, we do not give free rein to our emotions, because we are not sure of the possibility of maintaining control over them and directing them in a constructive direction. There is another reason for excessive restraint - traditions that regulate emotional manifestations. For example, in Japanese culture even about their misfortunes, it is customary to report with a polite smile, so as not to cause embarrassment in an outsider. The traditional reticence of the Japanese in public expression of feelings is now perceived by them as a possible source of increasing emotional tension. It is no coincidence that they came up with the idea of ​​​​creating robots that perform the functions of a "scapegoat". In the presence of a person violently expressing his anger, such a robot bows humbly and asks for forgiveness, which is provided for by a special program embedded in its electronic brain. Although the price of these robots is quite high, they are in great demand.

In European culture, men's tears are not encouraged. A real man "shouldn't" cry. A stingy male tear is considered acceptable only in tragic circumstances, when it is clear to others that grief is unbearable. In other situations crying man perceived with condemnation or squeamish sympathy. But crying, as established by scientists, performs an important function, contributing to emotional discharge, helping to survive grief, get rid of sadness. By suppressing the natural manifestations of these emotions, men, apparently, to a lesser extent than women, are protected from the effects of severe stress. Unable to show their tears in public, some men cry in secret. According to the American researcher W. Frey, 36% of men shed tears over films, TV shows and books, while only 27% of women cry about the same thing. The same study found that overall, women cry four times more than men.

As you can see, a person too often has to suppress emotions both for individual reasons and following traditions. Using a similar mechanism for managing emotions, he acts reasonably to the extent that he needs to maintain normal relations with others, and at the same time, his actions are unreasonable, since they are detrimental to health and psychological state. Does not the management of emotions generally belong to that category of conscious actions that cannot be called rational, and is it not more reasonable to leave emotions to themselves without interfering with their natural course?

But as studies by psychologists show, the emotional element is contraindicated even for actors who, by the nature of their activities, must immerse themselves in a stream of emotions on stage in order to completely merge with their characters. However, the success of acting creativity is the higher, the more effectively the actor is able to control the dynamics of emotional states, the better his consciousness regulates the intensity of experiences.

Convinced that the struggle with emotions brings the winner more thorns than laurels, people tried to find ways to influence their emotional world that would allow them to penetrate into the deep mechanisms of experiences and use these mechanisms more intelligently than nature ordered us. Such is the system of regulation of emotions, based on the gymnastics of yogis. Observant members of that Indian sect noticed that during unpleasant emotions, breathing becomes constrained, superficial or intermittent, an excited person assumes postures with excessively increased muscle tone. Having established a connection between posture, breathing and feelings, yogis have developed a number of physical and breathing exercises, mastering which allows you to get rid of emotional tension and to some extent overcome unpleasant experiences. However, the philosophical concept of yogis is that the goal of constant exercise is not reasonable control over emotions, getting rid of them in an effort to achieve complete serenity of the spirit. Separate elements of the yoga system were used to create a modern method of psychological self-regulation - autogenic training.

There are many varieties of this method, first proposed by the German psychotherapist J. Schultz in 932. Schulz's classical technique included a number of self-hypnosis formulas that, after repeated sessions, freely evoke a feeling of warmth and heaviness in various parts of the body, regulate the frequency of breathing and heartbeat, and cause general relaxation. Currently, autogenic training is widely used to correct emotional states with increased neuro-emotional stress, to overcome the consequences of stressful situations that arise in extreme conditions of professional activity.

Experts in the field of autogenic training believe that the scope of this method will constantly expand, and autotraining can become one of the important elements of a person's psychological culture. In our opinion, auto-training is one of the methods of suppressing emotions, although not as primitive as a call to control oneself when emotions “overflow”. During autogenic training, a person first masters those functions that were not subject to conscious regulation (thermal sensations, heart rate, etc.), and then an attack on his experiences comes from the “rear”, depriving them of the support of the body. If experiences can be dealt with bypassing the social and moral content, then there is a great temptation to get rid of, say, remorse, causing a feeling of pleasant heaviness and warmth in the solar plexus, and from a painful feeling of compassion, feeling like a bird soaring freely in the radiant heavenly space. "I'm calm, I'm completely calm," the character of the movie The Traveler repeats one of the autosuggestion formulas every time his emotional well-being is threatened. Its moral revival is precisely manifested in the fact that this spell gradually ceases to fulfill its regulative function.

The true psychological culture of a person is manifested not so much in the fact that he owns the techniques of self-regulation, but in the ability to use these techniques to achieve psychological states that are most consistent with humanistic norms of behavior and relationships with other people. Therefore, a person has always been worried about the problem of criteria for reasonable control of emotions. Common sense suggests that such a criterion may be the pursuit of pleasure. Such a point of view was held, for example, by the ancient Greek philosopher Aristippus, who believed that pleasure is a goal to which one must strive without fail, bypassing situations that threaten unpleasant experiences. Among subsequent generations of philosophers, he had few supporters. But among people who are not inclined to a philosophical understanding of reality, Aristippus has much more like-minded people. The prospect of getting maximum pleasure without experiencing suffering seems very attractive, if we ignore the moral assessment of the egoistic position "to live for your own pleasure." Yet the roots of selfishness are not so deep that most people can be distracted from the principles of humanistic morality, which rejects the idea of ​​achieving emotions of pleasure at any cost. The failure of the pleasure principle is also evident from the point of view of man's adaptation to the natural and social environment.

The pursuit of pleasure is just as detrimental to the physical and mental health of people as constant trouble, suffering and loss. This is evidenced by studies of physicians and psychologists who observe the behavior of people who, in the course of treatment, have electrodes implanted in their brains. By stimulating various parts of the brain with electricity, the Norwegian scientist Sem-Jakobson discovered zones of experiencing pleasure, fear, disgust, and rage. If his patients were given the opportunity to independently stimulate the "zone of happiness", then they did it with such zeal that they forgot about food and went into convulsions, continuously closing the contact associated with electrical stimulation of the corresponding part of the brain. The creator of the theory of stress G. Selye and his followers showed that there is a single physiological mechanism for adapting the body to environmental changes; and the more intense these changes, the higher the risk of depletion of a person's adaptive capabilities, regardless of whether the changes are pleasant to him or not.

The stress of joyful change can be even greater than the stress of adversity. For example, according to the scale of the stress load of events developed by the American scientists T. Holmes and R. Ray, major personal achievements put a person's health at risk to a greater extent than friction with the leader. And although the events associated with losses (death of loved ones, divorce, separation of spouses, illness, etc.) turned out to be the most stressful, a certain stressful effect was also associated with holidays, vacations, vacations. So turning life into a “continuous holiday” can lead to exhaustion of the body rather than to a constant state of pleasure.

What has been said about the inconsistency of the pleasure principle as a criterion for the rational management of emotions can sound like a warning only to an optimist who knows how to discover the pleasant side of life. As for the pessimists, they probably did not expect anything else, since the joys of life in their worldview are worth little in comparison with sorrows. A similar point of view was actively defended by the pessimistic philosopher A. Schopenhauer. In confirmation, he cited the results of rather naive experiments on himself. For example, he figured out how many grains of sugar you need to eat to kill the bitterness of one grain of cinchona. The fact that ten times more sugar is required, he interpreted in favor of his concept. And so that the doubters themselves could emotionally feel the priority of suffering, he urged to mentally compare the pleasure received by the predator and the torment of his victim. Schopenhauer considered the only reasonable criterion for managing emotions to be the avoidance of suffering. The logic of such reasoning led him to the recognition of non-existence as the ideal state of the human race.

The philosophical concept of pessimism will cause few sympathy. However, a passive strategy of avoiding suffering is not uncommon. Pessimistic people put up with constant depression because they hope that giving up the active pursuit of success will relieve them of great stress. However, this is misleading. The prevailing negative emotional background, characteristic of many people, significantly impairs their productivity and vitality. Of course, it is impossible to completely avoid negative emotions, and, apparently, it is not advisable; to a certain extent, they organize a person to fight obstacles, counteract danger. A study conducted on monkeys showed that an experienced leader who has endured many battles has a more favorable reaction to a stressful situation from a biomedical point of view than young monkeys. However, the constant experience of negative emotions leads to the formation of not only psychological, but also functional negative changes, covering, as studies by a team of scientists led by N. P. Bekhtereva, all parts of the brain and disrupting its activity.

According to physiologists, a person should not allow his brain to "get used" to troubles. G. Selye strongly recommends striving to forget about the "hopelessly disgusting and painful." It is necessary, according to N. P. Bekhtereva and her colleagues, as often as possible to create for yourself, albeit small, but joy that balances the experienced unpleasant emotions. Need to focus on positive moments of your life, to remember pleasant moments of the past more often, to plan actions that can improve the situation. The ability to find joy in life's little things is inherent in centenarians. In general, it should be noted that the psychological type of personality of a long-liver is characterized by such traits as benevolence, lack of a sense of irreconcilable rivalry, hostility and envy.

Currently, there are many psychotherapeutic methods for regulating emotional states. However, most of them require special individual or group lessons. One of the most accessible ways to improve the emotional state is laughter therapy.

The French doctor G. Rubinstein substantiated the biological nature of the usefulness of laughter. Laughter causes a not very sharp, but deep shake of the whole body, which leads to muscle relaxation and allows you to relieve tension caused by stress. With laughter, breathing deepens, the lungs absorb air three times more and the blood is enriched with oxygen, blood circulation improves, the heart rhythm calms down, and blood pressure decreases. With laughter, the release of endomorphine, a pain-relieving anti-stress substance, increases, the body is released from the stress hormone - adrenaline. Dances have approximately the same mechanism of influence. A certain “dose” of laughter can make you feel good even in difficult situations, but an “overdose” of even such a harmless remedy as laughter can lead to a departure from intelligent emotion management. Constant fun is the same departure from life as immersion in gloomy experiences. And it's not just that emotional extremes can worsen well-being and health. The imbalance of positive and negative emotions prevents full communication and mutual understanding.

There are two categories of people who will never be understood by others, no matter how much they want it. Those who are constantly depressed, immersed in bitter thoughts about imperfection human nature, people will, if possible, avoid, for fear of contracting a gloomy mood and pessimism. It can sometimes be difficult to see the difference between the painful state of depression, when a person completely loses the ability to regulate emotions, and the state of "withdrawal" into unpleasant experiences, characteristic of some generally healthy people who find themselves in difficult life situations. But there is still a difference. In disease states, negative emotions are directed mainly inward, concentrated around one's own personality, while "healthy" negative emotions are constantly looking for a victim among others in order to splash out in an aggressive outburst or in a bitter complaint. But since most people cannot withstand prolonged exposure to a difficult emotional atmosphere, they begin to avoid communication with a person immersed in unpleasant experiences. Gradually losing habitual contacts, he is forced to transfer negative emotions to himself.

And if the ability to rejoice at everything that exists and that can happen is inherent in a person and he invariably stays in high spirits, enjoys life in any circumstances? It remains, it would seem, only to envy and try to follow his example. Indeed, in most neutral communication situations that do not require sympathy, help, support, merry fellows evoke sympathy and approval with their ability not to take anything to heart. But only those who know how to rejoice in everything, even someone else's grief, can constantly rejoice. Without sharing the suffering of other people, a person runs the risk of being in a psychological vacuum when he himself needs support. Constantly staying in a rosy mood, he accustoms those around him to a “problem-free” attitude towards himself. And when the time comes for serious strength tests, a breakdown occurs. According to the observation of the psychotherapist V. A. Faivishevsky, the lack of experience in overcoming unpleasant experiences caused by failures and losses can lead to “victory neurosis”, which is observed in constantly successful people at the first failure.

A gross violation of the emotional balance does not benefit anyone, even if a positive emotional background dominates. It may seem that a person who does not lose fun in the presence of those who suffer is able to infect them with his mood, lift their spirits and give vigor. But this is an illusion. With a joke or a cheerful smile, it is easy to defuse situational tension, but it is just as easy to achieve the opposite effect when faced with a deep experience. In this regard, a parallel can be drawn with the effect of music on human emotions.

It is known that music has a powerful emotional charge, sometimes more powerful than real life events. For example, psychologists who interviewed students, teachers, and other workers at Stanford University found that among the factors that arouse emotions, music ranked first, touching scenes in movies and literary works were second, and love was only sixth. Of course, one cannot absolutize the data obtained in one study, but one cannot but admit that the emotional effect of music is very great. Considering it, psychologists use the method of musical psychotherapy to correct emotional states. With emotional disorders of the depressive type, cheerful music only exacerbates negative experiences, while melodies that cannot be attributed to cheerful ones bring positive results. So in human communication, grief can be mitigated by compassion or aggravated by serene cheerfulness and on-duty optimism. Here we again return to empathy - the ability to tune your emotions to the "wave" of other people's experiences. Empathy avoids constant immersion in your own joys and sorrows. The emotional world of the people around us is so rich and diverse that contact with it leaves no chance for a monopoly of positive or negative experiences. Empathy contributes to the balance of the emotional sphere of a person.

Some philosophers took the principle of balance literally, arguing that in every person's life, joys exactly correspond to suffering, and if you subtract one from the other, the result will be zero. The Polish philosopher and art critic V. Tatarkevich, who analyzed this kind of research, came to the conclusion that it is impossible to prove or disprove this point of view, since it is impossible to accurately measure and unambiguously compare joys and sufferings. However, Tatarkevich himself does not see any other solution to this problem, except for the recognition that "human life tends to equalize pleasant and unpleasant sensations."

In our opinion, the principle of balance of emotions is important not because it can indicate the exact proportion of positive and negative experiences. Another thing is much more important for a person to understand that stable emotional balance as an indicator of reasonable control of emotions cannot be achieved only by situational control over experiences. Satisfaction of a person with his life, activities and relationships with others is not equivalent to the sum of the pleasures received at each individual moment. Like a climber who experiences an incomparable sense of satisfaction at the top precisely because success has cost him many unpleasant emotions on the way to the goal, any person receives joy as a result of overcoming difficulties. The small pleasures of life are necessary to compensate for unpleasant experiences, but deep satisfaction should not be expected from their sum. It is known that children who experience a lack of parental affection are drawn to sweets. One candy can relieve a child's stress for a while, but even a large number of them cannot make him happier.

Each of us is somewhat reminiscent of a child reaching for a candy when trying to influence our emotions right at the moment of their occurrence. The short-term effect obtained with situational control of emotions cannot lead to stable emotional balance. This is due to the stability of the general emotionality of a person. What is emotionality and can it be controlled?

Since the beginning of the twentieth century, the first studies of emotionality were carried out. Since then, it has been generally accepted that emotional people are distinguished by the fact that they take everything to heart and react violently to trifles, while low-emotional people have enviable composure. Modern psychologists tend to identify emotionality with imbalance, instability, and high excitability.

Emotionality is considered as a stable personality trait associated with her temperament. The well-known Soviet psychophysiologist V. D. Nebylitsyn considered emotionality to be one of the main components of a person’s temperament and distinguished in it such characteristics as impressionability (sensitivity to emotional influences), impulsivity (quickness and thoughtlessness of emotional reactions), lability (dynamic emotional states). Depending on the temperament, a person is emotionally involved in various situations with greater or lesser intensity.

But if emotionality is directly related to temperament, which is based on the properties of the nervous system, then the possibility of rational control of emotionality without interference in physiological processes seems extremely doubtful. Can a choleric person reasonably regulate the intensity of his "choleric" outbursts if his temperament is dominated by impulsiveness - a tendency to quick and thoughtless emotional reactions? He will have time to "break wood" over a trifle before he realizes that the most reasonable principle of managing emotions is balance. And a calm phlegmatic person, organically incapable of vividly and directly demonstrating his feelings, will always be perceived by others as a person who is deeply indifferent to what is happening. If emotionality is understood only as a combination of the strength, speed of occurrence and mobility of emotional reactions, then for the mind there is one area of ​​application: to come to terms with the fact that there are emotional and unemotional people, and to take into account their natural characteristics. In itself, this mission of the mind is extremely important for human understanding.

Features of temperament must be taken into account in various situations of communication. For example, one should not be offended by the violent reaction of a choleric person, which more often indicates his impulsiveness than a conscious intention to offend the interlocutor. He can be answered in kind without risking protracted conflict. But even one harsh word can unbalance a melancholic for a long time - a vulnerable and impressionable person with a heightened sense of self-worth.

In order to learn to reasonably relate to the peculiarities of the emotional makeup of other people, it is not enough to know these features, you also need to control yourself, maintain balance, no matter how intense your own emotional reactions are. Such an opportunity appears if a person moves from fruitless attempts to influence directly the intensity of emotions to managing situations in which emotions arise and manifest. Emotional resources of a person are not unlimited, and if in some situations they are spent too generously, then in others their deficit begins to be felt. Even hyper-emotional people who seem to others inexhaustible in the manifestation of their feelings, being in a calm environment, are immersed in a state of inhibition to a greater extent than those who are classified as low-emotional. Emotions, as a rule, do not arise spontaneously, they are tied to situations and turn into stable states if the emotional situation persists for a long time. Such emotions are called passion. And the more important one life situation is for a person, the higher the likelihood that one passion will crowd out all the others. Only great passion, argued the French writer Henri Petit, is able to tame our passions. And his compatriot writer Victor Cherbulier drew attention to the possibility of the opposite effect, arguing that our passions devour each other, and often the big ones are devoured by the small ones.

One of these judgments, at first glance, contradicts the other, but it is not. You can concentrate all emotional resources in one situation or in one area of ​​life, or you can distribute them in many directions. In the first case, the intensity of emotions will be extreme. But the more emotional situations, the lower the intensity of emotions in each of them. Thanks to this dependence, it becomes possible to manage emotions more intelligently than by interfering with their physiological mechanisms and direct manifestations. Formally, this dependence can be expressed as follows: E == Ie * Ne (where E is the general emotionality of a person, Ie is the intensity of each emotion, Ne is the number of emotional situations).

In fact, this formula means that the general emotionality of a person is a constant (relatively constant value), while the strength and duration emotional reaction in each specific situation can vary significantly depending on the number of situations that do not leave this person indifferent. The law of emotional constancy makes it possible to take a fresh look at the established ideas about the gradual age-related decline in emotionality.

It is generally accepted that in youth a person is emotional, and with age, emotionality is largely lost. In fact, with the accumulation of life experience, a person expands the spheres of emotional involvement, more and more situations evoke emotional associations in him, and, consequently, each of them evokes a less intense reaction. At the same time, the general emotionality remains the same, although in every situation observed by others, a person behaves more restrained than in his youth. Of course, there are cases when, even with age, the ability to react violently and continuously to certain events is not lost. But this is typical for people of a fanatical warehouse, who concentrate their emotions in one area and absolutely do not pay attention to what and how is happening in others.

The expansion of the range of emotional situations contributes to the general cultural development of the individual. The higher the cultural level of a person, the more restraint in the manifestation of emotions is observed by others in communication with him. And vice versa, uncontrollable passions and violent outbursts of emotions, called affects, are usually associated with limited areas of manifestation of emotions, which is typical for people with a low level of common culture. That is why the role of art in the regulation of human emotionality is so great. Enriching his spiritual world with aesthetic experiences, a person loses dependence on all-consuming passions associated with his pragmatic interests.

Taking into account the law of constancy, it is possible to master ways of controlling emotions, which are aimed not at a hopeless struggle with destructive manifestations of emotional extremes, but at creating conditions for life and activity that allow one not to bring oneself to extreme emotional states. It's about about managing the extensive component of general emotionality - emotional situations.

First way - distribution of emotions- consists in expanding the range of emotional situations, which leads to a decrease in the intensity of emotions in each of them. The need for a conscious distribution of emotions arises with an excessive concentration of human experiences. The inability to distribute emotions can lead to a significant deterioration in health. So, J. Reikovsky cites data from a study of the emotional characteristics of people who have had a heart attack. They were asked to recall the most negative events that preceded the disease. It turned out that patients two months after a heart attack recalled significantly less stressful events than healthy people. However, the strength and duration of unpleasant experiences about each of these events in patients turned out to be much higher; they were significantly more likely to complain of feelings of guilt or hostility and of difficulty in controlling their experiences.

The distribution of emotions occurs as a result of the expansion of information and the circle of communication. Information about new objects for a person is necessary for the formation of new interests that turn neutral situations into emotional ones. The expansion of the social circle performs the same function, since new social and psychological contacts allow a person to find a wider sphere of manifestation of his feelings.

The second way to manage emotions is concentration- is necessary in those circumstances when the conditions of activity require the full concentration of emotions on one thing, which is of decisive importance in a certain period of life. In this case, a person deliberately excludes a number of emotional situations from the sphere of his activity in order to increase the intensity of emotions in those situations that are most important for him. Various everyday methods of focusing emotions can be applied. The famous film director N. Mikhalkov spoke about one of them. In order to fully concentrate his efforts on the concept of a new film, he shaved his hair and thereby lost the emotional incentive to appear in public once again. popular actor theater and cinema A. Dzhigarkhanyan formulated for himself the "law of conservation of emotions." He considers it obligatory at least once a week to exclude situations in which the emotions necessary for creative activity are generously spent. The most common method of concentration of emotions is the restriction of information from the usual sources and the exclusion of favorable conditions for activity in those situations that contribute to the "dispersion" of emotions.

The third way to manage emotions is switching- associated with the transfer of experiences from emotional situations to neutral ones. With the so-called destructive emotions (anger, rage, aggression), it is necessary to temporarily replace real situations with illusory or socially insignificant ones (according to the “scapegoat” principle). If constructive emotions (primarily interests) are concentrated on trifles, illusory objects, then it is necessary to switch to situations of increased social and cultural value. The use of these methods of managing emotions requires some effort, ingenuity, and invention. The search for specific techniques depends on the individual, their level of maturity.

In most cases, emotions arise in the wrong place and not when needed. Therefore, if you do not learn how to manage them, you can easily destroy mutual understanding with other people. At the same time, managing emotions is significantly different from suppressing them. After all, hidden anger, long-standing resentment, unshed tears are the causes of many diseases.

Emotion management: 3 ways

1. Changing the object of concentration

As a rule, the experienced emotions also change from another object. Even if there is nothing to switch to, it is worth trying to bring up good memories. Remember that thinking about pleasant events, you unwittingly resurrect the experienced sensations.

2. Changing beliefs

Any information passes through the filter of our beliefs. Therefore, if you can not change the circumstances, you need to change your attitude towards them. This, in turn, will contribute to a change in emotions.

3. Managing the state of your body

Emotions greatly affect the state of the body: breathing and pulse quicken, blood pressure rises, but there is also the so-called mimic feedback. Its essence is manifested in the fact that arbitrary facial expressions, just like involuntary ones, can evoke emotions. In particular, depicting a certain one may soon begin to experience it. Often, to remove an unnecessary experience, it is enough to remove the "wrong face". True, this must be done immediately, while the emotion has not yet had time to unwind.

Emotion Management: Exercises

"Rewind"

Often unpleasant pictures or words get stuck in our brain for a long time. You can replay a certain event in your head for the hundredth time, while experiencing a lot of negative emotions. Nevertheless, everyone is able to control everything that is in his thoughts. Therefore, you can start a kind of "fast forward". Thanks to her, inner voices will sound faster, become childish, squeaky... It will be impossible to take them seriously. Negative pictures can also be replaced by any cheerful song.

"Time Machine"

Everyone knows that time heals everything. This life axiom can help you learn to control your experiences. So, many will agree that most school tragedies now seem ridiculous. Why not try to move into the future and take a sober look at the present situation, which causes a storm of emotions in us? In this case, managing emotions is experiencing difficult moments not “now”, but in your future.

In some cases, managing emotions requires just an “explosion”. What does it express? If there is no strength to hold back tears - sob, if anger boils inside - peel off the pillow. But the release of emotions must still remain manageable. So, it is better to cry not at work, but at home, to splash out aggression not on people, but on inanimate objects. The main thing is not to bring yourself to a state where it is no longer possible to control anything.

Control of emotions will be difficult without the ability to control your attention, gestures, facial expressions and breathing, as well as in the absence of a developed imagination. By working on the listed skills, you will definitely achieve success.

By influencing emotions, we can greatly influence another person. Moreover, almost all types of influence (both honest and not so) are built on the management of emotions. Threats, or "psychological pressure" ("Either you go to my terms, or I will work with another company") is an attempt to cause fear in another; Question: Are you a man or not? - is intended to cause irritation; tempting offers (“Let's have one more?” Or “Will you come in for a cup of coffee?”) - a call to joy and slight excitement. Since emotions are the motivators of our behavior, in order to cause a certain behavior, it is necessary to change emotional condition another.

Making it absolutely possible different ways. You can blackmail, issue ultimatums, threaten with fines and punishments, show a Kalashnikov assault rifle, remind you of your connections in power structures, etc. Such types of influence are classified as so-called barbaric, that is, violating modern ethical norms and values ​​of society. Barbaric methods include those that are considered "dishonest" or "ugly" in society.

We are considering those methods of controlling the emotions of others that belong to the "honest" or civilized types of influence. That is, they take into account not only my goals, but also the goals of my communication partner.

And here we are immediately faced with a question that we often hear at trainings: is managing the emotions of others - is it manipulation or not? Is it possible to "manipulate" another through his emotional state in order to achieve his goals? And how to do it?

Indeed, very often managing the emotions of other people is associated with manipulation. At various trainings, you can often hear the request: "Teach us to manipulate." Indeed, manipulation is one of the most powerful ways to control the emotions of others. At the same time, oddly enough, it is far from the most effective. Why? Let's remember: efficiency is the ratio of result to cost, and both result and cost in this case can be related to actions and emotions.

What is manipulation? It's kind of hidden psychological influence when the target of the manipulator is unknown.

Thus, firstly, manipulation does not guarantee the desired result. Despite the existing notion of manipulation as a great way to get anything from anyone without paying anything, very few people know how to consciously manipulate in such a way as to get the desired action from a person. Since the goal of the manipulator is hidden and he does not directly name it, the person who is being manipulated, under the influence of manipulation, can do something completely different from what was expected of him. After all, everyone's picture of the world is different. The manipulator builds manipulation based on his picture of the world: "I will do A - and then he will do B." And the one who is being manipulated acts on the basis of his own picture of the world. And he does not B and not C, but even Z at all. Because in his picture of the world this is the most logical thing that can be done in this situation. You need to know the other person and his way of thinking very well in order to plan the manipulation, and even in this case, the result is not guaranteed.

The second aspect is emotional. Manipulation is carried out through a change in the emotional state. The task of the manipulator is to evoke an unconscious emotion in you, thus lowering your level of logic and getting the desired action from you while you are not very good at thinking. However, even if he succeeds, after some time the emotional state will stabilize, you will again begin to think logically and at that very moment you will begin to ask the question “What was that?”. It seems that nothing special happened, I talked with an adult smart person ... but the feeling that "something is wrong." As in a joke, "spoons were found - the sediment remained." In the same way, any manipulation leaves behind a “sediment”. People who are familiar with the concept of "manipulation" can immediately determine that such a psychological impact has taken place. In a sense, it will be easier for them, because at least they will clearly understand for themselves what happened. People who are not familiar with this concept will continue to walk around with an indistinct, but very unpleasant feeling that "something has happened that is not right, but it is not clear what." With what person will they associate this unpleasant sensation? With those who manipulated and left behind such a "trace". If this happened once, most likely, the price will be limited to what the manipulator will receive from his “change” object (most often unconsciously). Remember, unconscious emotions will always break through to their source. The same is true with manipulation. The manipulator will somehow pay for the "sediment": for example, he will hear some unexpected nastiness addressed to him or become the object of an offensive joke. If he manipulates regularly, then soon other people will gradually begin to avoid this person. A manipulator has very few people who are ready to maintain a close relationship with him: no one wants to constantly be the object of manipulation and walk around with an unpleasant feeling that "something is wrong with this person."

Thus, manipulation in most cases is an inefficient type of behavior, because: a) it does not guarantee a result; b) leaves behind an unpleasant "residue" in the object of manipulation and leads to a deterioration in relations.
From this point of view, manipulating other people to achieve your goals hardly makes sense.

However, in some situations, manipulation may well be used. Firstly, these are the manipulations that are commonly called “positive” in some sources - that is, this is a type of psychological influence when the manipulator’s goal is still hidden, but he does not act in his own interests, but in the interests of the one he is currently manipulating. For example, such manipulations can be used by doctors, psychotherapists or friends. Sometimes, when direct and open communication does not help achieve the necessary goals for the interests of another person, such an influence can be used. At the same time - attention! - are you sure that In fact acting in the interests of another person? That what he will do as a result of your influence will really benefit him? Remember, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions...".

An example of positive manipulation

In the film Taste of Life*, a child who has lost his parents categorically refuses to eat for a long time, despite all the persuasion of those around him. There is an episode in the film when the girl is sitting in the kitchen of the restaurant. The young chef, who knows that she does not eat, first spins around her for a while, preparing spaghetti for herself and telling all the nuances of the recipe, and then eats them appetizingly, sitting next to her. At some point, he is asked to go into the hall to the clients, and he, as if mechanically, thrusts a plate of spaghetti into the girl's hands. After hesitating for a while, she begins to eat…

* "Taste of Life" (English No Reservations) - a romantic comedy in 2007. The film was directed by Scott Hicks from a screenplay by Carol Fuchs based on the work of Sandra Nettlebeck. This is a remake of the German film "Irresistible Martha". Starring American version Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart, who played a couple of chefs in this film. Note. ed.

An example of controversial positive manipulation

Remember the film "Girls" *, when Tosya (Nadezhda Rumyantseva) and Ilya (Nikolai Rybnikov) who quarreled do not talk to each other for a long time and have practically gone "on principle". Friends adjust the situation when, during the construction of the house, Tosya has to drag a box of nails to the top floor where Ilya works, because there are "supposedly" not enough of them. As a result, the heroes reconcile.

Why is this move controversial? In fact, the reconciliation did not happen simply because the heroes collided in one place thanks to the efforts of friends. If you remember, at first Tosya was very angry when, dragging a box upstairs, she found Ilya there ... and a whole box of nails. She was about to leave when she caught on something in her clothes and thought he was holding her. Twitching several times and shouting loudly: “Let go !!!” - she heard his laughter, realized her mistake and began to laugh too. As a result of this joint fun, reconciliation took place. What would happen if Tosya didn’t catch on to anything? She could just leave or, who knows, because of this box, they would only completely quarrel.

* "Girls" - comedy Feature Film 1961, filmed in the USSR by director Yuri Chulyukin based on the story of the same name by B. Bedny. Note. ed.

Manipulation or game?

I don't have time to care. You are attractive. I'm damn attractive. Why waste time in vain ... (From the movie "Ordinary Miracle")

In addition to positive manipulations, there are also such manipulations when both parties are interested in continuing the “game” and willingly participate in this process. Almost all of our relationships are permeated with this kind of manipulation, which is most often unconscious. For example, following the idea that "a man must conquer a woman," a woman can flirt and evade direct consent to a date.

An example of such "playful" communication is described in the film "What Men Talk About"*. One of the characters complains to the other: “But this question is why. When I say to her: “Let's go to me”, and she: “Why?” What should I say? After all, I don’t have a bowling alley at home! Not a cinema! What should I tell her? “Let’s go to my place, we’ll make love once or twice, I’ll definitely be fine, maybe you… and then, of course, you can stay, but it’s better that you leave.” After all, if I say so, she certainly will not go. Although he understands perfectly well that this is what we are going for. And I say to her: “Let's go to my place, I have a wonderful collection of lute music at home. music XVI century." And this answer completely suits her!

To which he receives a completely fair question from another character: “No, but what, would you like to sleep with a woman as easy as ... I don’t know ... shoot a cigarette? ..” - “No. Wouldn't want to…”

Not in all cases, open and calm behavior, including an honest statement about your goals, can be most effective. Or at least be pleasant for both sides of the communication.

*“What Men Talk About” is a 2010 Russian film comedy filmed in the road movie genre by the comic theater “Kvartet I” based on the play “Middle-aged men talk about women, movies and aluminum forks”. Note. ed.

Managing people also includes a huge amount of manipulation. This is largely due to the fact that the leader for his subordinates is associated with dad or mom, and a lot of child-parent aspects of interaction, including manipulation, are included. Basically, these processes occur at an unconscious level, and as long as they do not interfere with work efficiency, one can continue to interact at the same level. Therefore, it is important for a leader to be able to counteract manipulations by subordinates. But learning to manipulate is not worth it. We are all so good at doing this, it's just that most of the time it happens unconsciously.

Since, when controlling the emotions of others, we do not always state our goal (“Now I will calm you down”), in a certain sense, of course, one can say that this is manipulation. However, in many situations of managing the emotions of others, one can directly state one's goal ("I'm here to ease your anxiety about the upcoming changes" or "I want to help you feel better"); in addition, guided by the principle of civilized influence, we act not only in our own interests, but also in the interests of another. The following principle tells us about this.

The principle of accepting the emotions of others

The very recognition of another person's right to emotions makes it possible to abstract from them and work with what is behind emotions. Understanding that emotion is a reaction to YOUR action or inaction, makes it possible to manage any situation while maintaining a constructive dialogue.

Just as with our emotions, in order to effectively manage the emotions of others, it is important for us to accept the emotions of another person. Agree, it will be quite difficult to remain calm and help calm down another when he yells at you, if you are firmly convinced that "you can never yell at me."

To make it easier for you to accept the emotional state of another person, it makes sense to remember two simple ideas:

1. If another person behaves “inadequately” (yelling, screaming, crying), this means that he is now very ill.

How do you think a person who behaves "very emotional" feels? Like yelling? This is the rare case when we ask not about a specific emotion, but about a choice from categories.
"good or bad".

Yes, he feels great!

Indeed, it often seems to us that there are people in the world who get pleasure when they yell (this, by the way, makes it very difficult for us to interact constructively with aggressive individuals). Let's think. Remember yourself, those situations when you exploded, shouted at the people around you, said hurtful words to someone. Did you feel good?

Most likely no. So why should the other person feel good?

And even if we assume that a person enjoys screaming and humiliating others - is it good for him at all, as they say, "in life"? Hardly. Happy, completely self-satisfied people don't lash out at others.
Especially if he does not scream, but cries. Then it is obvious that he does not feel very well.

The key idea, which very often helps to interact with a person who is in a strong emotional state, is to realize and accept the fact that he is not feeling well. He is poor. It's hard for him. Even if it looks intimidating on the outside.

And since it is difficult and difficult for him, you should sympathize with him. If you can sincerely sympathize with the aggressor, then the fear disappears. It is difficult to be afraid of a poor and unfortunate person.

2. Intention and action are two different things. If a person hurts you with their behavior, this does not mean that he really wants it.

We have already discussed this idea in detail in the chapter on awareness of the emotions of others. And yet now it will be useful to remind her. It is much more difficult to perceive someone else's emotional state if we suspect the other person of "deliberately" pissing me off.

Exercise "Accepting the emotions of others"

To learn to accept the expressions of others' emotions, explore what emotions you refuse other people to display. To do this, continue the following sentences (referring to the manifestation of emotions by other people):

• People should never show...
• You can't afford...
• It's outrageous when...
• Indecent…
• It pisses me off when other people...

See what you got. Most likely, those emotions that you do not allow others to show, you do not really allow yourself. Perhaps we should look for socially acceptable ways to express these emotions?

For example, if you are very annoyed when another person raises his voice, most likely you yourself do not allow yourself to use this method of influence and devote a lot of effort to talking calmly even with strong emotional stress. No wonder you get annoyed by people who allow themselves to act like this. Think about it, maybe there are situations when you can consciously raise your voice a little, “bark at them.” When we allow ourselves some behavior, it usually does not annoy us in other people either.

Skeptical participant of the training: So you're suggesting that I now yell at everyone and cackle like an idiot over every joke?

Our proposal is to look for opportunities for socially acceptable expressions of emotion in some situations does not mean at all that you now need to discard all control and start behaving not very adequately. It is worth looking for situations in which you can experiment with the manifestation of emotions in a fairly safe environment.

With regard to other people, it is worth reformulating your irrational attitudes, adding permission to the expression of emotions in these statements, and rewriting them, for example: “I do not like it when other people raise their voices at me, and at the same time I understand that sometimes other people can lose control of themselves.” Such reformulations will help you feel more calm when the person next to you shows his emotions violently enough, which means that it will be easier for you to manage his condition.

Common Mistakes in Managing Others' Emotions

1. Underestimation of the importance of emotions, an attempt to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions.

Typical phrases: “Come on, why get upset, all this is nonsense”, “In a year you won’t even remember this”, “Yes, compared to Masha, you have everything in chocolate, what are you whining about?”, “Stop it, he’s not worth it”, “I would like your problems”, etc.

What reaction does such an assessment of the situation by another person evoke? Irritation and resentment, the feeling that “they don’t understand me” (very often such an answer sounds: “Yes, you don’t understand anything!”). Does such argumentation help to reduce the partner's emotional stress? No no and one more time no!

When a person experiences strong emotions, no reasoning works (because he has no logic at the moment). Even if, in your opinion, the difficulties of your interlocutor objectively cannot be compared with Masha's torment, now he is not able to understand this.

“I don’t care about any Mash. Because I'm sick right now! And no one in the world has ever felt as bad as me now! Therefore, any attempts to belittle the significance of my problem will cause me the strongest resistance.
Maybe later, when I come to my senses, I will agree that the problem was nonsense ... But it will be later, when the ability to think sensibly returns to me. So far, I don't have it."

2. An attempt to get the person to immediately stop experiencing emotion (as an option, immediately give advice and offer a solution to the problem).

Typical phrases: “Well, stop sour!”, “Let's go and unwind?”, “I would go somewhere, or something!”, “What is there to be afraid of?”, “Come on, you’re nervous, it will only bother you”, “Why are you so fuming? Please speak calmly, etc.
When a person next to us feels “bad” (he is sad or very worried), what emotion do we experience?

We can get upset and angry if someone offended a loved one, but the most primary emotion is fear. “What will happen to him next? How long will this bad mood last? What does all this mean for me? Or maybe I myself am to blame for it bad mood? Maybe his attitude towards me has changed? Maybe he doesn't like something about me?

What if the person is experiencing strong emotions? For example, she screams very loudly or cries uncontrollably. How does the one who was next to him feel? Again fear, sometimes even reaching panic horror. “What should I do about it? Horrible! How long is it with him? I don't know what to do in such situations. I can't control this situation! What if it gets worse?..

It doesn't matter what the cause of this fear is: most of us are afraid of the manifestation of other people's emotions. And a person seeks to get rid of fear as quickly as possible. How to get rid of this fear? Remove the source of fear, that is, those very other people's emotions. How to do it?

The first thing that unconsciously comes to mind is “let him stop doing this, then I will stop being afraid.” And we begin in one form or another to call on a person to “calm down” and become “joyful” or “calm”. For some reason it doesn't help. Why? Even if the other person understands that he really should do something with his emotional state (which is quite rare), he is not aware of his emotions and cannot figure out how to manage them, because he lacks logic. What he needs most right now is to be accepted along with all his emotions. If we try to quickly calm him down, the person understands that he “stresses” us with his condition, and seeks to suppress him. If this happens often, in the future a person will generally prefer to hide from us any of his "negative" emotions. And then we are surprised: “Why don’t you tell me anything? ..”

Another idea is to immediately solve his problem, then he will stop experiencing the emotion that bothers me so much. My logic works, now I'll decide everything for him! But for some reason, the other person does not want to take my recommendations into account. At least he cannot understand my brilliant ideas for the same reason - there is no logic. He can't fix the problem right now. The most important thing for him now is his emotional state.

3. For a person who has something happened, it is first of all important to speak out and get support. After that, perhaps with your help, he will become aware of his emotions, use some method of managing them ... he will feel better, and he will find a solution to the problem.

But that's all later. First, it is important for him to get your understanding.

The Quadrant for Managing the Emotions of Others

It is possible to single out methods that work to reduce emotions that are inadequate to the situation (conditionally negative), and methods that allow you to cause or enhance the desired emotional state (conditionally positive). Some of them can be applied directly during the situation (online methods), and some relate to strategic methods of working with the mood background and psychological climate (offline methods).

If, when managing their emotions, people are more often interested in reducing negative emotions, then when it comes to managing the emotions of others, the need to challenge and strengthen the desired emotional state comes to the fore - after all, it is through this that leadership is carried out (whether at work or in a friendly circle).

If you look at the right column, you will see in it the most likely managerial influences to influence the emotional climate in the team. However, if you want to improve the emotional background not at work, but at home, we think it will not be difficult for you to shift the method from work situations to home situations. For example, you can form a team from your own family, and not just from employees.

	Online Methods	Offline Methods
Reducing the intensity of "negative" emotion	"We put out the fire". Helping others become aware of their emotional state Using express methods of managing emotions Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions	"Creating a fire prevention system" Formation team spirit and conflict management Constructive Feedback High-quality implementation of changes
Increasing the intensity of "positive" emotion	"Lighting the Spark" Emotion contagion Self-tuning rituals Motivational Speech "Duty on the drive"	"Keeping the Fire in the Hearth" Maintaining a positive balance in the "emotional account" Creation of a system of emotional motivation Belief in employees Praise Implementing Emotional Competence in an Organization

"Extinguish the fire" - quick methods reducing someone else's emotional stress

If we can help another become aware of their emotional state, their level of logic will begin to return to normal, and their level of tension will decrease. At the same time, it is important not to point out to another that he is in a strong emotional state (this can be perceived as an accusation), but rather to remind him that there are emotions. To do this, you can use any of the verbal methods of understanding the emotions of others from the third chapter. Questions like “How are you feeling right now?” or empathic utterances (“You seem a little angry right now”) can be used not only to become aware of the emotions of others, but also to manage them.

Our empathy and acknowledgment of the other's emotions, expressed in the phrases: "Oh, that must have been very hurtful" or "You're still mad at him, right?" - make others feel better. Much better than if we give "smart" advice. Such statements make a person feel that he is understood - and in a situation of strong emotions, this is perhaps the most important thing.

It is especially important to learn to recognize the emotions of another in this way in business communication. If a client or partner complains to us about a problem, we frantically start thinking about how to solve it. This, of course, is also important. Although at the beginning it is better to say something like: "This is a very unpleasant situation", "You must be very worried about what happened" or "This will annoy anyone." Almost never will a frustrated or frightened client hear such words from anyone. But in vain. Because such statements, among other things, also provide an opportunity to demonstrate to the client that he is a person for us, and not someone impersonal. When we demand "human connection" as clients, we want our emotions to be acknowledged.

Using express methods of managing emotions

If the other person's level of trust in you is high enough and he is in a state where he is ready to listen to your recommendations, you can try out emotion management techniques with him. This can only work if you are not the cause of his emotional state! It is clear that if he is angry with you, and you offer him to breathe, he is unlikely to follow your recommendation. However, if he is angry with someone else, and he rushed to tell you how it was, you can use the techniques you are familiar with. It is better to do them together, for example, take a deep breath and a slow exhale together. In this way, we activate the mirror neurons of the other, and there is a high probability that he will do what we show him. If you just say: "Breathe", a person will most often automatically answer: "Yeah" - and continue his story.

If there is no way to tell him about it (for example, you are giving a presentation together and you see that your partner has started talking very quickly from excitement), then focus on your own breathing and start breathing more slowly ... even more slowly ... Unconsciously, your partner (if you are close enough to him) will begin to do the same. Checked. Mirror neurons work.

Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions

Anger management

If too many people are chasing you, Ask them in detail what they are upset about, Try to console everyone, give everyone advice, But there is absolutely no need to slow down at the same time. (Grigory Oster, "Bad Advice")

Aggression is a very energy-intensive emotion, and it is not for nothing that people often feel devastated after its outburst. Without receiving external nourishment, aggression fades very quickly, just like a fire cannot burn if the firewood runs out. Say nothing of the sort? This is because people, without noticing it, periodically throw firewood into the firebox. One sloppy phrase, one extra movement - and the fire joyfully flares up with fresh strength, having received new food. All our actions in managing someone else's aggression can be divided into such "poles" that kindle the fire of emotions, and "ladles of water" that extinguish it.

"Poleski" (what people often want to do when faced with someone else's aggression, and what actually increases its level)	« Buckets" (which makes sense if you really want to reduce the level of someone else's aggression)
Kill, stop the flow of accusations	Let it be spoken
Say: “Calm down”, “What are you allowing yourself to do?”, “Stop talking to me in such a tone”, “Behave yourself”, etc.	Use verbalization techniques
Raise your tone in response, use aggressive or defensive gestures	Keep non-verbal communication under control: talk with calm intonation and gestures
Deny your guilt, object, explain that the interaction partner is wrong; say no	Find something to agree with and do it; say yes
Make excuses or promise to fix things immediately	Calmly agree that an unpleasant situation has occurred, without going into an explanation of the reasons
Reduce the significance of the problem: “Come on, nothing terrible happened”, “Why are you so nervous?” etc.	Recognize the significance of the problem
Speak in a dry formal tone	Show empathy
Use reciprocal aggression: “And you yourself ?!”, sarcasm	One more time to show sympathy

Pay attention to what "ladles" are. These are tricks that work if you really want to reduce the level of someone else's aggression. There are situations when, faced with someone else's aggression, people want something else: to hurt a partner in interaction, "to avenge something"; prove themselves "strong" (read "aggressive"); and finally, just quarrel for your own pleasure. Then, please, to your attention - the list from the left column.

One of our acquaintances was going through a period of unpleasant dismissal from the company. In one of recent conversations with the head of the personnel department, she insistently reminded him of what rights she had under the law. The boss snapped: “Don’t be smart!” After a while, to one of her questions, he answered: "Don't be stupid!" Then, with emphatically polite intonation and a sweet smile, she sang to him in response: “Do I understand you correctly, are you suggesting that I not be clever and not stupid at the same time? ..” From which the boss fell into a complete rage.

Here, as in most other cases of managing emotions, the principle of goal setting comes into force. What do I want in this situation? What price will I pay for this? It is not always necessary to reduce the intensity of someone else's anger: each of us has probably encountered situations where there is only one right way to react to overt and undisguised aggression - to show similar aggression in response.

In this section, we are referring to those situations where you are interested in keeping a good relationship with an interaction partner: this can be a close person, client, business partner or manager. Then it is important for you to translate your interaction on a constructive track. This is facilitated by "ladles", each of which we will now consider separately. We will not consider Poleski in detail: we believe that each of the readers is clear and familiar with what is at stake.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, or the ZMK Technique.

The main, basic and greatest technique for managing other people's negative emotions is to let them talk. What does it mean to "let it speak"? This means at the moment when you decided that the person had already told you everything he could ... he spoke at best by a third. Therefore, in a situation where the other person is experiencing a strong emotion (not necessarily aggression, it can be stormy joy), use the ZMK technique, which means: “Shut up - shut up - nod.”

Why do we use such a rather harsh wording - "Shut up"? The fact is that for most people, even in a normal situation, it is difficult to silently listen to everything that another person wanted to tell us. At least just to listen - not to hear. And in a situation where the other person does not just express their thought, but expresses it emotionally (or Very emotionally), almost no one can listen to him calmly. People are usually afraid of the violent manifestation of emotions on the part of others and by all means seek to calm them down or at least partially restrain the manifestation of emotions. And most often this manifests itself in interrupting another person. In a situation of aggression, this is aggravated by the fact that the person to whom irritation is directed experiences quite a strong fear. This is normal and natural for anyone, especially if the aggression turned out to be sudden and unexpected (the partner did not gradually boil, but, for example, immediately flew into the room already furious). This fear forces one to defend oneself, that is, to immediately begin to justify oneself or explain why the accuser is wrong. Naturally, we begin to interrupt the other. It seems to us that now I will quickly explain why I am not guilty, and he will stop yelling at me.

At the same time, imagine a person who is very excited and who, in addition, is interrupted. That's why we use the word "Shut up", that is, make an effort - sometimes a lot of effort - but let him say whatever he wants.

Skeptical participant of the training: If I listen to him and remain silent, then he will yell until the morning!

Yes, we often think that if we shut up and let a person talk and talk, this process will continue indefinitely. Especially if he is very angry. In this case, the opposite happens: a person cannot physically yell for a long time (unless someone from the outside feeds him with energy for aggression by his actions). If you let him speak freely and still listen sympathetically, then after a few minutes he will run out of steam and begin to talk in a calm tone. Check. You just need to shut up a little.

So, the most important thing in technology is in the first word. But the last thing is also important - “Nod” (there is another variant of the ZMKU technique, namely: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod and “Ugukay””). From fear, we still sometimes freeze, like rabbits before a boa constrictor. We look at the aggressor with an unblinking gaze and do not move. Then he does not understand whether we are listening to him at all or not. Therefore, it is important not just to remain silent, but to actively show that we are also listening very, very carefully.

© Shabanov S., Aleshina A. Emotional intelligence. Russian practice. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2013.
© Published with the permission of the publisher

Almost every person on Earth dreams of learning how to influence the emotions of other people and find a variety of approaches to communication. However, before you can achieve this, you need to learn how to manage your own emotions, since it is this skill that will allow you to influence other people. Know yourself first and only then begin to study other people.

A person experiences emotions every second of his existence, so the one who knows how to manage them achieves a lot. They can be conditionally divided into three types: beneficial, neutral, destructive.

We will consider beneficial and neutral emotions in later lessons, but in this one we will focus entirely on destructive ones, because it is they that need to be learned to manage in the first place.

Why are destructive emotions so defined? Here is just a short list of how negative emotions can affect your life:

• They undermine your health: heart disease, diabetes, stomach ulcers, and even tooth decay. As technology advances, scientists and physicians add to this list. There is a possibility that negative emotions become one of the causes of the vast majority of diseases, or at least prevent get well soon.
• They undermine your psychological health: depression, chronic stress, self-doubt.
• They affect your communication with other people: those around you, loved ones and employees suffer from negative behavior. And, ironically, it is on loved ones that we break down most often.
• They prevent success: destructive emotions completely atrophy our ability to think. And if anger can pass within a few hours, then anxiety and depression prevent clear thinking for weeks and months.
• They narrow the focus: in a depressed or affective state, a person is unable to see big picture and cannot make the right decisions, as it is too limited in the number of options.

There is a popular point of view: negative emotions should not be suppressed. This is a very controversial question and a full answer to it has not yet been found. Someone says that holding back such emotions leads to the fact that they penetrate into the subconscious and affect the body in a sad way. Other people claim that the inability to restrain them weakens nervous system. If we imagine our emotions in the form of a pendulum, then in this way we swing it more strongly.

In this regard, in our course we will approach this issue with extreme caution and for the most part we will talk about how to prevent the onset of destructive emotion. This approach is much more effective and will allow you to prevent negative states from entering your life.

Before getting acquainted with the most destructive emotions, it is impossible to ignore the so-called reactionary thoughts.

reactionary thoughts

Most of the emotions we experience are the result of some kind of stimulus. It could be certain person, situation, image, behavior of other people, own psychological state. All this can be an irritant for you, that is, something that invades your personal comfort and makes you feel uncomfortable. To get rid of this state, we react (usually in a negative way) to it in the hope that it will disappear. However, this strategy almost never works.

The fact is that any irritation swings the pendulum of your emotions and the emotions of another person. Your annoyed response leads to annoyance of the interlocutor, which in turn causes him to “up the stakes”. In this situation, someone must show wisdom and extinguish passions, otherwise everything will get out of control.

By the way, we will return to the image of the pendulum more than once in our lessons, because this is an excellent metaphor for indicating that emotions have the peculiarity of increasing their intensity.

When we experience a stimulus, reactionary thoughts run through our heads, whether we are aware of them or not. It is these thoughts that prompt us to escalate the conflict and lose our temper. To train yourself not to react instinctively, learn one simple rule: there is a small gap between the action of the stimulus and the reaction to it, during which you can tune in to the correct perception of the situation. Practice this exercise every day. Whenever you feel hooked on a word or situation, remember that you can choose how to respond to it. It requires discipline, self-control and awareness. If you train yourself not to give in to reactionary thoughts (usually generalizations or feelings of resentment), you will notice what advantages this brings.

Most Destructive Emotions

There are emotions that cause irreparable harm to the health and reputation of a person, they can destroy everything that he has built over the years and make his life a living hell.

We will immediately agree with you that sometimes a character trait can be an emotion, so we will also consider these cases. For example, conflict is a character trait, but it is also a special emotional state in which a person experiences a craving for receiving emotions of high intensity. It's dependent on the collision of two emotional worlds.

Or, for example, the desire to criticize others. This is also a character trait, but from a purely emotional point of view, this is the desire to raise one's self-esteem by pointing out the mistakes of others, which indicates the need to change the negative valence of one's emotions to a positive one. Therefore, if you want, call this list "The most destructive emotions, feelings and states."

Anger and rage

Anger is a negatively colored affect directed against experienced injustice and accompanied by a desire to eliminate it.

Rage is an extreme form of anger in which a person's adrenaline levels rise, accompanied by a desire to inflict physical pain on the offender.

Despite the fact that anger and rage have differences in intensity and duration of manifestation, we will consider these emotions as one. The complete chain looks like this:

Prolonged, aching irritation - anger - anger - rage.

Why is there no hatred in this chain, which contributes to the appearance of rage? The fact is that it is already included in anger and rage, along with antipathy, disgust, a sense of injustice, so we use it in combination.

A person cannot instantly experience anger or rage, he must bring himself to this. First, irritants of varying intensity appear and the person becomes irritated and nervous. After a while, anger builds up. A prolonged state of anger causes anger, which in turn can result in the manifestation of rage.

If we talk about evolutionary theory, the source of anger is a fight-or-flight response, so the trigger of anger is a sense of danger, even if imaginary. An angry person may consider dangerous not only a physical threat, but even a blow to self-esteem or self-esteem.

Anger and rage are the worst things to control. It is also one of the most seductive emotions: a person engages in justifying internal dialogue and fills his mind with convincing arguments to vent his anger. There is a point of view that anger does not need to be contained, because it cannot be controlled. The opposite view says that anger can be completely prevented. How to do it?

One of the most powerful ways to do this is to destroy the very beliefs that feed it. The longer we think about what angered us, the more “good reasons” we can come up with. Reflections in this case (no matter how over-emotional they may be) only add fuel to the fire. To extinguish the flame of anger, you should once again describe the situation to yourself from a positive point of view.

The next way to curb anger is to seize those destructive thoughts and question their correctness, since it is the initial assessment of the situation that supports the first outburst of anger. This reaction can be stopped if reassuring information is received before the person begins to act out of anger.

Some psychologists advise to blow off steam and not hold back anger, experiencing the so-called catharsis. However, practice shows that such a strategy does not lead to anything good and anger flares up again and again with enviable regularity, causing irreparable harm to a person’s health and reputation.

To cool passions in the physiological sense, the release of adrenaline is waited out in an environment where, most likely, there will be no additional mechanisms for inciting anger. Walking or entertainment can help with this, if possible. This method will stop the growth of hostility, since it is purely physically impossible to get angry and angry when you are having a good time. The trick is to cool down the anger to the point where the person is able have fun.

Very effective way getting rid of anger is playing sports. After a strong physical stress, the body returns to the level of low activation. Different ones give an excellent effect: meditation, muscle relaxation, deep breathing. They also change the physiology of the body, putting it into a state of reduced arousal.

At the same time, it is important to be conscious, to notice the growing irritation and destructive thoughts in time. Write them down on a piece of paper and analyze. One of two things is possible: either you find a positive solution, or at least stop scrolling the same thoughts in a circle. Evaluate your thoughts from a position of logic and common sense.

Remember that no method will work if you cannot interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts. Literally tell yourself not to think about it and switch your attention. It is you who directs your attention, which is a sign of a conscious person who is able to control his psyche.

Anxiety

Anxiety is of two types:

• Inflating their molehills. A person clings to one thought and develops it to a universal scale.
• Repeating the same idea over and over. In this case, the person takes no action to solve the problem and instead repeats the thought over and over again.

There is no problem if you carefully think about the problem from all sides, generate several solutions, and then choose the best one. From an emotional point of view, this is called preoccupation. However, when you catch yourself returning to a thought over and over again, it doesn't get you any closer to solving the problem. You become anxious and do nothing to get out of this state and remove anxiety.

The nature of anxiety is amazing: it seems to appear out of nowhere, creates a constant noise in the head, is uncontrollable and torments a person for a long time. Such chronic anxiety cannot last forever, so it mutates and takes on other forms - attacks of fear, stress, neurosis, and panic attacks. There are so many obsessive thoughts in the head that it leads to insomnia.

Worry, by its very nature, directs a person's thoughts into the past (mistakes and failures) and the future (uncertainty and catastrophic pictures). At the same time, the person shows Creative skills only to create horrifying pictures, not to find solutions to possible problems.

The best way to deal with anxiety is to stay in the present moment. Returning to the past is constructive, finding out the causes of mistakes and realizing how to avoid them in the future. It is worth thinking about the future only at the moments when you consciously set aside time for this: clarify goals and priorities, outline a plan and procedure for action. You only need to live one day in the most efficient way and not think about anything else.

By practicing meditation and becoming more aware, you will learn to catch the first signs of intrusive thoughts and eradicate them. You will also be able to notice which images, objects, and sensations trigger the anxiety mechanism. The sooner you notice anxiety, the easier it will be for you to stop it. It is necessary to fight back thoughts decisively, and not sluggishly, as most people do.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• What is the probability that the event that scares you will actually happen?
• Is there only one scenario?
• Is there an alternative?
• Is it possible to take constructive steps?
• Is there any point in chewing the same thoughts over and over again?

These are the right questions that will allow you to reflect on what is happening in the moment and bring conscious attention to your thoughts.

Relax as much as possible and often. It is impossible to worry and relax at the same time, either one or the other wins. Study and after a while you will be surprised to notice that for several days you have not felt disturbing thoughts.

The great psychologist Dale Carnegie in his book "" provides many techniques that allow you to cope with this unpleasant habit. We bring you the top ten and recommend reading this book in its entirety:

1. Sometimes anxiety is not born out of the blue, but has a logical basis. If something bad happened (or could happen) to you, use the three-step structure:

• Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen to me?"
• Come to terms with the worst.
• Calmly think about how you can improve the situation. In this case, it cannot be worse, which means that psychologically you get the opportunity to get more than you originally expected.

1. Remember that people who can't handle anxiety die young. Anxiety causes a severe blow to the body and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.
2. Practice occupational therapy. The most dangerous time for a person is the hours after work, when, it would seem, is the time to relax and start enjoying life. Load yourself with activities, find a hobby, clean the house, fix the shed.
3. Remember the Law of Large Numbers. What is the probability that the event you are worried about will happen? According to the Law of Large Numbers, this probability is negligible.
4. Show interest in other people. When a person is sincerely interested in others, he ceases to concentrate on his thoughts. Try to do every day selfless act.
5. Don't expect gratitude. Do what you must and what your heart tells you to do, and do not expect your efforts to be rewarded. This will save you from a lot of unpleasant emotions and complaining about other people.
6. If you get a lemon, make lemonade out of it. Carnegie quotes William Bulito: “The most important thing in life is not to make the most of your successes. Every fool is capable of it. What really matters is the ability to take advantage of losses. It takes a mind; that is the difference between a smart man and a fool.”
7. Don't let trifles overwhelm you. Many people go through great hardships with their heads held high, and then drive themselves to madness by lamenting over trifles.
8. Rest during the day. Sleep if possible. If not, just sit or lie down with your eyes closed. Fatigue gradually and imperceptibly accumulates throughout the day and if it is not removed, it can lead to a nervous breakdown.
9. Don't cut sawdust. The past is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it. You can fix the situation in the present or the future, but there is no point in worrying about what has already happened.

Feelings of resentment and self-pity

These two emotions lead to what leads to many devastating consequences. A person stops developing, because other people are to blame for his troubles and feels worthless, pitying himself.

Resentment is an indicator that a person has too many pain points that other people put pressure on. The difficulty is in recognizing this problem it can be quite difficult, especially if touchiness has passed into a chronic stage.

Feelings of resentment arise:

• when a person we know behaved completely differently than we expected. Often this is an unintentional action or behavior that we think is intentional;
• when a person we know deliberately insulted us by abuse or humiliation (usually in public);
• when we are insulted by a stranger

As it were, we only get offended when we think we've been offended. In other words, everything depends entirely on our perception. There are people who are not offended when they are even insulted in public. What are the benefits of such a mindset?

• They don't let their emotions get out of hand and lose face.
• The offender is so surprised that there was no response to his insult that he is in frustration and confusion.
• The focus of the audience's attention instantly shifts from him to the person who tried to offend him.
• The audience, instead of gloating or pitying the "offended", finally takes his side, because all people subconsciously respect those who do not lose face in a stressful situation.

In a word, when you do not react to words that were thrown in order to offend, you get a huge advantage. This causes respect not only among the audience, but even from the side of the offender. This approach is proactive, keeps you healthy, and puts you in control of your emotions.

We considered the situation of insult in public, then what to do in the case when a loved one behaved differently than we expected? The following thoughts will help you:

• “Perhaps he did not want to act like this or did not suspect that he could hurt me with his actions or words.”
• “He understands that he let me down, but a sense of pride does not allow him to admit his mistake. I'll be wiser and let him save face. In time, he will apologize.
• “I expect too much from him. If he did so, then I did not explain to him correctly enough that my feelings could be hurt by such behavior.

It is also worth separating a specific situation with resentment and chronic resentment. In the second case, everything is much more complicated, but with proper work on yourself, you can get rid of it.

The first step in overcoming resentment is recognizing the problem. Indeed, if you understand that your resentment hurts only you in the first place, this will be a good starting point in solving the problem.

The second step is to think about why the person wants to offend you. Note, I didn’t offend, but I wanted to offend. This key difference in thinking allows you to move beyond your inner feelings and direct your perceptions to reflect on the other person's motives.

Remember that you can only be offended when you yourself think that you have been offended. It does not mean being indifferent to a person or situation. This means analyzing the situation with a cool head and finding out why the person behaved the way they did. And if you come to the conclusion that you no longer want the presence of a person in your life, this is your right. But until then, try to find out what exactly influenced his behavior and words. Curiosity in this situation is the strongest way to distract yourself.

Painful timidity

Many people love timid people, seeing them as modest, reserved, and even-tempered. In literature, we can also find laudatory odes dedicated to such personalities. But is it really that simple?

Shyness (timidity, shyness) is a state of mind, the main features of which are timidity, indecision, stiffness, tension and awkwardness in society due to lack of social skills or self-doubt. In this regard, we can conclude that such people are quite comfortable for any company, because all other people look confident in their background. Therefore, they are loved: they give a sense of significance to everyone around.

How can shyness be eradicated? The answer most likely lies in self-confidence. If you are confident in your abilities, then your movements are precise, your words are clear, and your thoughts are clear. There is a so-called "confidence/competence loop". You become competent in some kind of activity, you notice that you can cope with the task, and thanks to this, you increase your self-confidence. And as your self-confidence increases, you increase your competence.

One of the satellites of timidity is the fear of the near future. Therefore, the best way to overcome shyness is to get out of your comfort zone. If you do what you are afraid of several dozen times a day, then after just a week (or even almost immediately) you begin to feel self-confidence and an incredible surge of strength. Fear fades in the light of knowledge. It turns out that no one ate you when you expressed an unpopular opinion and you are still alive asking for help.

Inactivity turns into activity. You probably know that inertia also works in psychology, so as soon as you start to overcome the psychological and physical threshold, your fear will begin to go away. The chain "thought - intention - planning - action" after some time becomes almost automatic and you do not even think about fear or possible defeat. Since failure and defeat are sure to await you, you need to accustom yourself to this. Think in advance how you will behave in case of failure, so as not to remain in a state of discouragement. After some time, you will act impromptu, but in the early stages it is better to prepare yourself psychologically.

Pride / pride

We combined these two opposite emotions for one reason: in most cases, people who experience pride believe that it is pride. Pride is crooked pride.

Why does the person experience this emotion? It is about reluctance to infringe on one's own ego. A proud person will not apologize, even if he subconsciously understands that he is guilty.

While pride is a manifestation of the inner dignity of a person and the ability to protect what is dear to him, pride is a manifestation of disrespect for others, unfair exaltation of oneself, selfishness. A person full of pride will simultaneously experience the following emotions and feelings: resentment, anger, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance and rejection. All this is accompanied by inflated self-esteem and unwillingness to admit their own mistakes.

Pride is formed under the influence of wrong education. Parents bring up the child in such a way that they praise him, despite the fact that he did nothing good. When a child grows up, he enters society and begins to ascribe to himself all the merits to which he has nothing to do. If he becomes a leader, he criticizes his team for failures and takes successes as his own.

Pride breeds:

• Greed
• Vanity
• Appropriation of someone else's
• Touchiness
• Egocentrism
• Unwillingness to develop (after all, you are already the best)

How to get rid of pride? The difficulty is that its owner will not admit to the last that there is a problem. In this regard, it is easier to recognize in oneself the presence of timidity, irritability, anxiety and other traits that prevent a person from living. While a person full of pride will deny the existence of this quality.

Recognize that sometimes this is true for you too. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses, appreciate the former and get rid of the latter. Respect yourself and other people, celebrate their successes and learn to praise. Dare to be grateful.

The best way to get rid of pride is to develop assertiveness, empathy, and listening skills. We will cover all three of these skills in the next lesson.

Envy

Envy arises in relation to a person who possesses something that the envious person wants to possess, but does not possess. The main difficulty in getting rid of envy is that the envious person finds excuses for himself when he experiences this feeling. He is absolutely sure that the object of his envy has achieved fame, success or material wealth dishonestly or simply did not deserve it.

Perhaps it does not matter in what way a person has achieved some good, since the envious person does not need a reason. He will treat equally badly both the one who received the benefit dishonestly and the one who actually deserved it. Envy is an indicator of the meanness of a person, it corrodes his body and poisons his soul.

When a person experiences envy, he does not think about how to achieve the same success, because at its core, his thinking is destructive and passive. This desire is not to set a goal and achieve it, but simply to take away the good from another person. Perhaps it is this quality that is the hardest to get rid of, because a person experiencing this feeling chokes on anger and hatred. He spends colossal energy on constantly tracking other people's successes and successes.

What about white envy? From a purely psychological point of view, "white envy" does not exist. Rather, it is simply the ability to rejoice in other people's successes and the desire to achieve such heights, which is the behavior of an adequate person. It is the admiration of other people's achievements and become better.

In order to overcome envy, or at least begin to fight it, you first need to realize that there is a problem. Then answer a few questions:

• “What difference does it make what and how this person achieved, if I still need to work and study in order to achieve my goals?”
• “Does this person’s success affect my future success in a negative way?”
• “Yes, this man is lucky. Many people in the world are lucky, this is normal. And it is lucky for those who do not bring up a feeling of envy in their souls. Maybe I should be happy for him?
• “Do I want my envy to spoil my appearance and lead to stomach ulcers?”
• “Are not great successes achieved by people who sincerely rejoice in the success of others and wish everyone well? Isn't there a large number who loved people and only thanks to this they reached such heights?

Conflict and criticism

It's amazing what irrational creatures people are. We see from our personal experience that the desire to constantly enter into conflicts and criticize others does not bring any advantages, and yet we behave this way again and again.

Conflict is destructive, because the person entering into them consciously and subconsciously considers himself better than others. Will he begin to argue and conflict with those whose opinion he considers at least equal to his opinion? This behavior in the head of this person is justified by the fact that he does not want to be hypocritical, please and utter sugary words. He believes that telling the truth (his truth) is a much more honest behavior than wagging or remaining silent.

Let's look at the problem from the angle of self-development. Is telling the truth and not choosing words a sign of a developed and intelligent person? Does it take a lot of intelligence to say what you think on any occasion? Of course, hypocrisy and flattering is also bad, but this is the other extreme.

Almost any extreme in emotions is fatal. When you lie and flatter, they do not like you, when you come into conflict for any reason and do not know how to keep your mouth shut (or choose the wrong words), they will not want to do business with you either. Find a balance, because success in this world is achieved by flexible people.

Criticism doesn't work either, at least in the long run. Carnegie rightly argued that criticism hurts a person's self-esteem and puts him in the position of being on the defensive. When criticizing, we seem to pull a person out of his comfort zone and demonstrate his shortcomings.

Suppress your reactionary thoughts and desire to react to the stimulus. Again - proceed at least from the one who everyone can criticize and this does not need a lot of intelligence. Learn the art of indirect criticism and get rid of the accusatory tone. This requires self-control, wisdom, observation and. Such criticism gives a person feedback, motivates and re-energizes.

In this lesson, we learned what reactionary thoughts are and how important they are in managing emotions. We also looked at the seven most destructive emotions, figured out why they are considered as such, and found ways to deal with them.

In the next lesson, we will learn the three main skills to improve emotional intelligence - assertiveness, empathy, and listening.

Test your knowledge

If you want to test your knowledge on the topic of this lesson, you can take a short test consisting of several questions. Only 1 option can be correct for each question. After you select one of the options, the system automatically moves on to the next question. The points you receive are affected by the correctness of your answers and the time spent on passing. Please note that the questions are different each time, and the options are shuffled.

We all know from experience that when it comes to making decisions and setting a course of action, feeling takes into account every little thing no less, and often more than thinking. That is why in the late 90s. psychologists increasingly began to say that for the successful realization of a personality in life and activity, the most important thing is to have the ability to effectively interact with people around you, be able to navigate in various situations, correctly identify the personal and emotional characteristics of others, and find adequate ways to communicate with them.

Today, in order for you to become a whole person, you need, in addition to high coefficient intelligence (IQ), also a high indicator of emotionality (EQ). These two indicators are inextricably linked. Emotional intelligence (EI) is a person's abilities that are involved in the awareness and management of their own emotions and the emotions of others.

American scientists "invented" emotional intelligence Peter Salovey And Jack Meyer in 1990. Then together with David Caruso the researchers proposed their own model of emotional intelligence, a model of new abilities. What? First of all, these are the abilities of perception, insofar as emotions contain information about us, about other people and about the world around us. Emotions are a kind of data, which is why it is so important to accurately determine what we experience and what people experience. Our emotions (mood) determine our thought processes. In a bad mood, we think and behave in a completely different way than in a good one. Simple manifestations of emotional intelligence are the key to health, gaining leadership, and also increase vision, ambition, self-esteem and promote better mutual understanding.

American psychologist Daniel Goleman developed the ideas of his predecessors and proposed a model of emotional intelligence, which is based on five core competencies. It is not necessary that all five points be explicitly expressed, it will be enough if they are emotional knowledge of oneself and correct self-esteem.

1. Knowing yourself

The more we learn about ourselves, the better we can control ourselves and choose the line of behavior necessary in a given situation. It aims to make us strive for change. Without self-knowledge, our emotions could direct us to do what we don't want to, turn us into people that are not at all the people we would like to be.

How to develop?

Understand the difference between: "I think" and "I feel." Ask yourself how you feel throughout the day, but be honest. If your heart is beating fast or you are short of breath, then this is a normal subconscious reaction. Ask the question: “How does it make her feel?” Name this feeling - fear, excitement, calmness, etc. Talk about your feelings more often with friends and family. Over time, you will become more accurate in determining exactly which feeling / emotion you have at this particular moment.

2. Self-control

While we listen and explore our inner feelings, taking a step-by-step path towards self-discovery, self-control regulates and coordinates these same feelings for a positive, not a negative result. Self-control gives the rational side time to sort out feelings when necessary. It also helps us act thoughtfully and responsibly in doing what we say.

How to develop?

Watch what you say to yourself mentally. Recognize the fact that you are human and can experience any emotion. Be prepared for emotional outbursts caused by repetitive situations and learn to manage them. Turn an unpleasant and annoying situation into a problem-solving exercise. When you encounter something that requires an unwanted emotional response, contain your anger by focusing on your behavior. Change the situation in such a way that the behavior becomes problematic, and not the person at whom your anger is directed. Use humor to see new facets of the situation.

3. Self-motivation

Self-motivation is directing the power of our emotions to something that can inspire us to do different things. It allows you to clearly see the goals and the steps needed to achieve them.

How to develop?

Be aware that you can control and choose what you feel or think about. Put in more effort and visualize your desired future as often as possible. Communicate with people who share your values ​​and principles and follow their dreams. Keep learning, because the pursuit of knowledge will strengthen your character strengths and provide the necessary information that may be useful to you now or in the future.

4. Empathy

Emotional intelligence helps to treat others in a dignified manner, with compassion and empathy. It is good when a person knows how to separate the emotions of other people from their own. Empathy begins with the ability to listen, which means connecting with a person. People who do not know how to empathize are more focused on their own needs and pay little attention to the problems of others.

How to develop?

Try to listen more to the interlocutor and "feel into" his experiences. Studies show that in communication, the interlocutor perceives only about 7% of words, intonation accounts for 38%, and 55% - for facial expressions, gestures and eye contact. What you say out loud and what you convey to others without words should not differ from each other. This serves as proof of your honesty and builds trust. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view in order to better understand them.

5. Effective relationships

This competency concerns making successful contacts and the ability to manage the emotions of others. If a person has a variety of social communication skills, then he is better placed to establish cooperation.

How to develop?

Talk to your friends and colleagues about your ideas and interests because it's infectious as hell! Organize a creative exchange of views - this builds trust and promotes an atmosphere of interaction. Be willing to pass on experience and knowledge to others or become a mentor, and be open to other people's knowledge and experience. This is very important, especially in a work team. By sharing your own experience and knowledge with others, you show your ability to perceive other people's ideas and thoughts, and that you do not consider yourself a know-it-all.

In this way, emotional intelligence expands our understanding of what it means to be smart. Often, people with high IQs but low EQs do not reach their full potential and lose their chances of success because they think, interact, and communicate in non-constructive ways. The ability to create a certain atmosphere of communication is one of the most important skills that determine communicative competence. Skillful management of emotions makes it easier to cope with difficult life situations. Emotional intelligence helps maintain self-confidence and determination to achieve a goal, adapt to change.